I didn't sign up for this
by erimies
Summary: Time travel, the ultimate hoax to cheat in life and turn bad odds to your advantage. Or, it would be if Naruto had any idea what he was doing. Trying to save lives he holds dear, he somehow ended up as an international S-class criminal with a flee-on-sight order. Oops.
1. Prologue: That bastard

**Prologue: That bastard**

* * *

_Konoha, early evening_

* * *

The village was settling in for the night, shops closing their doors and bars welcoming the first rush of customers. The academy was empty and quiet, the children having long since gone home. The training grounds were still in use, some of them noisy with _thunks_ of weapons, ninjutsu practise, or Maito Gai.

Shinobi could occasionally be seen hopping over rooftops, on messenger duty if not returning or leaving for a mission. Those with more covert assignments weren't seen at all, of course, but they were also there. Konoha was always and ever bustling, over and under the surface.

Exactly three minutes before ten, the deceptive image of peace and quiet was shattered by a series of loud explosions.

Curiously, this did not arouse alarm so much as groans and various complaints in the general line of "not again!", "_third time _this week!" and "if I ever get my hands on that bastard, I'll-"

Several members of the Konoha Military Police were running towards the source of the commotion, eyes spinning crimson and weapons at hand. On surface, they seemed determined. Yet, their resigned expressions and the black bags under their eyes told a different story.

In his office, the third Hokage, a man respected everywhere as one of the most powerful shinobi of all time, put down his pipe and smacked his forehead on his desk.

So much for finishing his paperwork for once. He'd probably be sorting this out until early morning and go home to the first trill of birdsong. Sarutobi Hiruzen let out a long-suffering sigh and reached for his hat.

The door to his office was slammed open and a harried looking chuunin slid to a halt, staying upright only by managing to grab the door frame. There were dark circles under his eyes, too, and his hair stuck up in a way that looked less like a natural inclination and more like he had been running his fingers through it periodically. It had been a familiar look around the tower recently.

"Hokage-sama! Someone appears to have set off a series of coordinated fireworks from the Academy rooftop! We're assuming it was that bastard again."

"Just fireworks? Seems oddly... _uninspired_ from what we've seen of that man."

The chuunin squirmed, scratching at his temple self-consciously. "Well, about that... You may want to look, Hokage-sama, I don't think I can... do it justice."

Hiruzen raised an eyebrow and walked to the window, peering outside. His eyes widened. There were several messages still lit on the darkening sky, persisting through the normally short lifespan of fireworks.

Most of them seemed to ramble on about Ichiraku ramen. Several seemed to attempt some sort of poetry, only to derail into laments about the writer's poor memory. Some were not messages at all, but indistinct squiggles that spiralled into themselves.

Hiruzen sighed, rubbing at the bridge of his nose.

The culprit, known as 'Asura', had kept the entire village running around in circles for weeks and he saw no hope of the situation changing any time soon. If only Hiruzen could go back in time and strangle his teacher for inventing that bloody Shadow Clone technique; the bastard troublemaker had disappeared in smoke each and every time someone had managed to land a hit.

Insult to injury, he apparently had enough chakra to drown Konoha in shadow clones and generally stuck out like a sore thumb, yet he was never found if he didn't want to be. And he _really_ should have been, in a village famed for its doujutsu and several clans exceptionally well suited for tracking.

That he hadn't been, well, that was frightening.

Hiruzen was old, now, but he had not lived this long by luck. He had forgotten more than most ever learned and kept his village together and running through those days of despair when the buildings still burned in embers beneath rubble and the rotten stench of death and despair were thick enough to choke on. The fourth Hokage may have sacrificed himself to save their village from destruction, but it was the third who patched it up and buried their dead.

More than anything, the third disliked working in the dark. It was true that 'Asura' had yet to hurt anyone and had once even helped them out, accidentally or not, but a ninja village could not _afford_ to count on the good will of a potential enemy. There was always the possibility he was lulling them all into a false sense of security, even if his methods for it were... less than conventional.

But they had no leads. The man had no profile in any bingo book out there, was _most certainly _not a Konoha resident and only ever seemed to use the Shadow Clone technique - which was decidedly Konohan. Nothing to tie him to another village or organisation.

And yet, red hair and incredible chakra. If that village hadn't been destroyed... but it was worth investigating. Perhaps Jiraiya could be roped into looking in this mystery.

Loud, boisterous laughter rang out, clearly audible over the background noise of barked orders and general chatter, cutting his train of thought short. Hiruzen leaped out of the window in a blur of speed, gesturing for his ANBU to follow.

Even from far away, they saw a familiar silhouette on the roof of the academy, going through equally familiar clumsy dance steps. His hair was a stream of crimson that flowed in his wake, glowing like an ember in the waning light. As always, he held a brass shakujo, which he seemingly only ever used for dramatic gestures and posturing.

Seeing the crowd he had gathered, the man struck a pose and _beamed_.

"Good evening, Konoha! I hope you enjoyed today's show! Now, the reason I have gathered you all here tonight is to introduce you to someone very important!"

He pressed a hand to his heart, face earnest and open. Long red hair somehow managed to billow dramatically in a wind that should have had trouble rustling leaves.

"Until now I have been running the show on my own, but tonight, I have the very great pleasure to introduce you to my brother! You may call him 'Kurama'!"

He beamed harder at the words, throwing his hands wide open. The shakujo chimed gently, glittering in the last rays of light.

Then, his chakra surged and, so quickly it was frightening, cheery, dramatic Asura... _wasn't_. All of his impossible radiance was gone, replaced by a heavy, irritated gloom, bright blue eyes dull and bored. He yawned, jaw stretching too far, showing too many sharp teeth.

For the first time, he seemed dangerous. This was a person who had killed, _often_, every shinobi in the audience realised with that gut instinct that sees underneath the underneath clearer and faster than conscious mind. They tensed, ready to intercept and incapacitate at the slightest threatening motion.

Asura (or possibly _Kurama_, now) seemed unruffled and uninterested.

"Keh! I did not expect _this_ to be his idea of... Well, better than sleeping all the damn time, I suppose," he all but snarled, then stretched his body in odd, jerky motions, as if unused to movement, yanking his shoulders in a circle and letting his neck crack ominously.

With one last slow lurch, Kurama straightened and yawned again. Unlike his previous persona, he did not appear lively at all, eyes half open and very much resembling some dangerous predator that spent most of its time sleeping and ignoring the prey.

"Oi, idiots of Konoha. I'll also be bothering you from now on. Let's, _keh_, get along. I like, hm, my father and Asura, I suppose. I hate a lot of things, the Uchiha in particular. My hobbies include insulting Asura and sleeping. In the future I intend to... well. You don't need to know about _that_."

Hiruzen had never wished he had the means to capture this man more than he did at that moment.

* * *

_Konoha's orphanage, slightly after sunrise (several months earlier)_

* * *

The caretakers of Konoha's orphanage never physically abused little Uzumaki Naruto; they knew better than that. He was fed as well as the others, his clothes were no worse for the wear and no one ever struck him in anger. This did not mean it was a happy life, his misfortune simply took a different and subtler form.

Konoha was first and foremost a military society. Most of the money went into supporting their forces on a good day, not to mention during times of war or recovery. The orphanage was not a cheery place to grow up; resources were thin and there was hardly any time for individual attention for any of children.

None of the overworked caretakers wanted to deal with Naruto, so he was shuffled from one person to another at first, and then ignored entirely, when everyone began to assume someone else was responsible for him and no one thought or cared to ask who.

However, that also meant that when he woke up one morning and spent several minutes hysterically chanting "Kai! Kai!" and stabbing himself with one of the wooden toy kunai, no one realised anything was amiss.

This was just as well, because three years old little Naruto had only moments ago been _sixteen_ and fighting for the freedom of the entire world, his opponents a giant mutant tree and two mentally unstable Uchiha.

Had someone taken notice and made him see a Yamanaka, the future might have been very different. But that is not what happened, and eventually little Naruto took a deep breath and stared into distance. Then he went back to his bed, sat down in a meditative pose he should not have known, should not have had patience for, and was lost to the world.

* * *

_Naruto's subconscious, flow of time not applicable_

* * *

While Naruto would admit he was not the brightest bulb in the box, that was not the only reason he appeared as dumb as he did. Especially during his early years, thinking too hard or too long would always lead to that painful place where he felt keenly how much he was an unwanted person.

Walking with his head in clouds of dreams larger than he was and muffling the sound of his thoughts with his own loud obnoxious voice was, at times, the only way he could keep himself from drowning in despair. Sometimes, underneath the underneath was a cold and lonely place where thoughts had teeth.

(And whatever you said about cursed legacy, that was probably the real reason Sasuke had lost himself in the darkness while Naruto had not, having never been able to tear away from the blood and fear and hate in his mind.)

Yet, as it always goes in life, Naruto's road also took its toll. Even now, years after the pain of thinking started to ease; Naruto's subconscious remained a sewer. A place for the unwanted, unneeded and forgotten things, flushed away and left to rot.

Somewhere in that sewer, a giant fox reclined behind bars that should no longer have been there. Outwardly, he gave off an aura of calm, unlike the owner of the mind who sat in the ankle-deep water and trembled, eyes large and anxious. Eventually the fox sighed and spoke, swishing his many tails in a decisive manner. His voice sounded like it should have hurt to speak, a heavy, harsh growl with sharp edges.

"...If there was a genjutsu, I would have already dispelled it. If _I _was also genjutsu and the real me unable to break through, this would be the Infinite Tsukuyomi. If so, we would dream of that 'perfect world' and think of nothing."

Naruto jerked forward, before he managed to reign in his impulse to _move_. He was still in that state of mind that exists during battles too large and important to lose and needed a target for the agitated energy. Somewhere out there, people were fighting for their lives and he was _not there_.

"So, _what_? What does it _mean_? What are we going to _do_?"

"Hm. We cannot return if we cannot even tell how we came to be here. For now at least, we must think this as reality and act on the assumption that we have been stranded in the past. About thirteen or fourteen years ago, based on your physical body."

Naruto's energy seemed to leak out in one slow rush, leaving him empty and tired.

"_Past_? How... how could something like this even _happen_? And are we... are we alone? There were a _bunch_ of people there, someone else must have come too, right?"

Kurama snorted, the current strong enough to blow Naruto's fair hair flat against his head.

"Don't ask me. Look, the half face was trying something with his eye; I could feel _that man_ use chakra somewhere out of sight; the white haired asshole and your father were just about to... teleport, I think; the old monkey did something behind us that involved fire; the idiot Hokage's wood was growing _everywhere_; the Shinju was on a rampage and _my_ chakra was spread about the battlefield. Any and all of those things could have contributed to this, or none of them. My point being, it was a _mess_. Not very good for making educated guesses on the mechanisms behind time travel. But I am the only one who could possibly have enough chakra to protect you during such a trip. We are alone."

Naruto groaned, face falling against his knees. He had already stumbled all over the communal bedroom in his earlier panic and likely bruised himself, unused to the new (_old_) dimensions. He didn't even want to think about how frustrating it would be to learn how to move again, never mind actually train his muscles.

"I _need _to know what happened. I don't _remember_. I only have this blurry feeling like we were pushed against a current. And the weird old man with Rinnegan, but that was probably a hallucination since he also had like a weird, red _third_ eye thing on his forehead and _horns_. I don't even want to kno-"

"_What_?!" Kurama's voice boomed. He sat up, looking more alert than Naruto had, well, ever seen him. Naruto blinked and reeled backwards on reflex.

"Like I said, it was probably an illusion. I mean, I didn't understand half of what he said. Called himself Hagoromomomo-something. Said stuff about time flow and rainbow running in a circle and that I'm someone called Asura and then I _think_ he apologised for pruning my face. Didn't seem to make a lot of sense."

Kurama looked like he wanted to plant his face against something. "That _old man_, Naruto, was _my father_. As in, the _Sage of Six Paths_."

Naruto's jaw dropped. "W-what? So all that stuff about 'Rabbit Goddess' and Byakugan and the 'successors' was..."

Kurama nodded wearily and settled down again. "From what you remember, it seems he thinks you're the reincarnation of his younger son, the so-called 'useless Asura'. He _was_ a lot like you. He did make all sorts of people follow him and believe that love and cooperation were the answer to peace."

Naruto breathed out, eyes wide, looking a little lost. "I was the _son_ of the Sage? And the first Hokage too? I - I don't know... " Then, something steeled in his eyes.

"But it doesn't really matter, does it? That guy had the right _idea_. Itachi tried to do everything on his own and look how _that_ worked out. I'm not even going to talk about Obito and Madara. Whether or not I am Asura, I've got to finish what he tried to do."

Kurama felt the corner of his mouth turn in a reluctant smile. However, Naruto sighed, deflated and hid his face in his knees.

"Well, that was some short-lived motivation," Kurama drawled, raising an eyebrow.

The truth was, Naruto felt weary - a tiredness that had nothing to do with his body and everything with the war that had seemed to go on and on, no end in sight. But it had still been the _endgame_. A conclusion that had been stolen from him, by whatever that had stranded him and Kurama in the past like they were the only two survivors escaping a sunken ship.

"It's just... It was almost _over_. All the villages were fighting together and kinda getting along and, and, I spent my entire life scraping and striving for every little bit of power I could and all of that, all that _effort_, it's all _gone_. And now I have to convince everyone I can find peace, _all over again_. I don't... Of all my life, I have nothing left!"

There was a heavy silence. Naruto gazed at his feet with unseeing eyes, hands still and spread open in a useless, helpless gesture. Kurama narrowed his eyes and hissed.

"Me. You have _me_. You may need to train your pathetic body again, you may once more need to fight for the approval of undeserving idiots, you may have to try reason with my siblings, but I am still here! I have always been here! And I'll help you out this time, so stop _snivelling_!"

Naruto smiled, some of the heavy gloom evaporating. Being a jinchuuriki had always been the heaviest burden in his life, the knowledge that he was never alone in his body and the other occupant was both malicious and powerful.

"Thanks. It's just... I'll admit I'm an idiot, but I'm still _sixteen_. I did mature a _little_ bit. How am I supposed to keep in character?"

(A part of that dread he had sometimes known lingered stubbornly, something close to what he'd felt when everything had seemed to go wrong at once, when Sasuke-bastard had done the stupid thing and was about to cause a war if he didn't destroy himself first.)

"...You're three years old. As far as the world is concerned, you don't _have_ a character. And if you are a little different, well, it's not like anyone pays any attention to you," Kurama said, raising his eyebrow.

And oh, _shit_, wasn't that an _entirely_ wrong thing to say. Naruto's face fell.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," he said in a small, defeated voice.

The brat looked like a kicked puppy. Kurama ignored a traitorous twinge of guilt.

Still, it was probably best to try for some... emotional support? The brat _was_ currently dealing with a major life change, to put it lightly. It was the kind of thing comrades and... _friends_ did for each other, right?

Only thing was, Kurama might have decided to give up hating indiscriminately but that did not make him a master of navigating emotions. Trying for 'understanding and kind' was probably a lost cause, so he went for 'prickly but offhandedly supportive'.

"Brat, I will only say this once and _only _because you annoy me. One word, you'll feel better."

Naruto tilted his head, mildly interested. Kurama leaned in, staring into Naruto's eyes.

"_Neji_."

* * *

Autor's notes: Clearly, when RL issues prevent you from writing another chapter in an ongoing story, the solution is to start a new story. Which is also incomplete. I'm sorry, everyone.


	2. The Hyuuga affair

**The Hyuuga affair**

* * *

_Hyuuga estate, Konoha, very late at night_

* * *

The head ninja of Kumo thought he had every right to be confident in his abilities. His village was aggressively military on the best of days and tended to hoard power before asking what could be done with it, or if it was even worth it. Powerful people were respected and idolised, much like rock stars. In this sort of environment, no one made it to the top without raw ability and hard effort.

And now he had been reduced to trying to kidnap the heir of a clan that was famed for seeing through walls, from the middle of the clan compound. Arrogant he may well be, but he wasn't an idiot. If even one of the creepy white-eyed bastards happened to activate their bloodline limit, he would be in a world of trouble

In fact, he suspected that his own village was not only aware of the odds, but had based the whole gamble on them.

The orders had been verbal. Plausible deniability in case of failure, perfectly sensible (because while Kumo may be willing to gamble on the odds of this rekindling the war, they weren't looking to ignite one on purpose). Nothing odd there.

He thought different. What did it matter if the orders were on paper or not? After all, there was that _other_ clan in this forsaken dump of a village, the clan that could and would pry his thoughts from his mind and no amount of loyalty could prevent him from spilling.

Unless, there was nothing left to interrogate. If he were to, say, die at the hands of a Hyuuga and no proof was left of his true intent, well.

Konoha was far more battered than Kumo due to that recent incident and could not afford another war. Kumo had leverage, if something were to happen to its ambassadors.

He gritted his teeth. It grated his pride to know he was (possibly) expected to fail and die here, so that his village could take the fight to the political table.

But thinking like that would only make failure more likely. He had to concentrate on survival. After all, he was, quite literally, amongst the enemies.

He spared a glance at the gently wriggling bag on his shoulder and wrinkled his nose in distaste. At least the brat hadn't managed to alert anyone. If he could just get away from the compound and head for the meeting point, there would only be the Uchiha to worry about and _they_ were busy guarding the rest of his delegation. He'd slipped from them once, he could do it again.

From his temporary hiding place in the shadows, he eyed the dark compound. This was the hardest part, crossing the main training ground. There was no cover at all and the moon shone brightly on the white gravel. Taking a detour was not an option. Stealth would be null the instant someone noticed the little heir was missing, and hiding would only hinder his mobility.

Taking a deep breath, he moved. There were no shouts, no graceful figures in white to apprehend him.

Of course it was too good to last, and things went to hell exactly half a dozen steps from the wall surrounding the compound.

"Hey, _you're_ not a Hyuuga! What are you doing here?"

The voice was decidedly loud and about as easy to ignore as nails on a blackboard. He cursed inwardly and reacted on long-honed instinct and high-strung nerves, spinning around and falling in a stance. What he saw was not an alert Hyuuga, as he had expected, but a man with long red hair and a baffled expression.

There was an awkward pause as they eyed one another, two intruders who knew precisely nothing about each other.

Then, the red-haired man _glowed _with yellow fire and disappeared in a flash. Something hit his temple and darkness swallowed his pain and his consciousness.

* * *

_Just outside the Hyuuga compound, a few minutes earlier_

* * *

_Pray tell_, Kurama's unimpressed voice sounded in Naruto's head, _are you actually expecting to find little toddler Neji playing outside in the middle of the night? _

Naruto rubbed at the back of his neck sheepishly. "Well... Look, I just have to try! The security around the village has been kinda weird tonight, so this is my best chance. Maybe they have windows or something. I just want to see him once."

_Sure, convenient glass windows in a paranoid ninja clan compound. Likely_, Kurama drawled and Naruto could swear he felt the sarcasm dribble down and poison the water of the sewer.

He was about to respond with something childish and heated when they both felt it. Suppressed resentment, contempt and something else cut through the calm night air. Naruto and Kurama shared a mental equivalent of an uncomfortable glance.

_Well, nothing to it_, Naruto thought and jumped over the wall. He may be technically three years old, but no one hurt the Hyuuga on his watch. They were all important to him by proxy, because Neji and Hinata were his friends. Or, rather, they _would_ be. And this tense business was going to give him a headache.

Naruto skidded to a stop on the rooftop of the main building when he saw the Bad Guy. And he was obviously just that and deserved capital letters, Naruto didn't think he'd seen anyone that clearly up to no good since Orochimaru and Obito-with-mask. _Seriously, _Naruto thought, _shouldn't he be trying to, dunno, blend in?_

_Probably useless against the Hyuuga,_ Kurama supplied. Naruto tilted his head and had to agree. Byakugan was handy like that. Still, there were no Hyuuga in sight right now and he couldn't even feel any suppressed anger at the intruder (and he really wished he dared to try sage mode, it would make this so much easier).

He should at least alert them all. Naruto was _good_ at grabbing attention. He cleared his throat.

"Hey, _you're_ not a Hyuuga! What are you doing here?"

Instead of running for it, like Naruto had assumed, the Bad Guy reacted with aggression and took a stance. _Whoops_. So much for not dealing with him personally. Naruto blinked and tilted his head. _Kurama, if you let me borrow a bit, do you think we can take him?_

He could _feel_ the answering grin, full of teeth and eager.

Then, once more, there was immense chakra and life. Naruto felt the strain on his too young body immediately, but seconds were all he needed anyway. He grabbed a shovel from the little corner where it looked like someone had been repairing the wall and slammed it against the man's temple.

(Hopefully, it would be a concussion and not a death sentence since he should probably try to talk this guy out of idiocy at some point, too, and he _really _didn't want to participate in the whole chain of hatred thing. It would be kinda counter-productive to his goals.)

Letting Kurama's chakra fade, Naruto limped to check the damage he had dealt. He pressed his fingers against the man's neck and was immensely relieved to feel a steady pulse. No accidental murder via inability to gauge his own strength, check.

The little bundle he hadn't really noticed before was wriggling now, and whimpering. Naruto blinked.

The realisation that there was a _little person_ inside the bag hit him like one of Sakura-chan's punches. Naruto reeled in shock for a moment before he fumbled the bag to get it open, and found –

"Tiny Hinata?"

He blinked, eyes very wide, then realisation settled slowly and he felt like the last person in the room to get the joke. (Though this wasn't funny at all.) Hadn't… Neji said something about a kidnapping attempt or something? By… Kumo? And his dad had died because of that?

Naruto had been back in the past for a week and had already managed to get himself in a mess. He cursed inwardly and flailed in panic ('Nitwitted son of a motherless odd-toed bootlegger' was his choice of words. Sometimes he wondered if he had learned more on his training trip while wandering around the red-light districts than from Jiraiya, for all he loved the man).

"Aaah, this isn't good, Hinata-chan… Where's your mom and dad?"

He pulled at his (currently) red hair and made to leave (where, he wasn't quite sure), when Hinata sobbed. Naruto froze in place like a statue, then sort of deflated. Hinata-chan would be a badass in future, but she was a little kid now. He should try cheer her up, or something.

* * *

Hinata didn't know what was happening. She was confused and scared and missed her mother (and her stern father, too). She'd been let out of the sack and the person in front of her didn't seem that scary, so it was a little better than the muffled darkness, but she didn't _recognise_ him. Hinata knew she was about to cry and was, somewhere inside, already ashamed for the lack of control. Her parents and older cousins never cried.

Then, a lively voice interrupted her thoughts.

"Never fear, my fair lady! I am… uh… I am the fearless, gallant... Asura! I have rescued you from that heinous fiend, and surely your parents will be here soon to retrieve you! No need to cry!"

Hinata startled and looked up, swelling tears forgotten, as the man swirled dramatically, then hopped on one foot, doing a weird, clumsy dance. He grinned at Hinata, then kneeled in front of her.

And his smile was _blinding_. Open and honest and fierce, she had never seen anyone express so much emotion in her entire life. This man had saved her from the bad man and still did not look at her like she was a disappointment, even if she had been little more than a slab of meat on the other man's shoulder and completely helpless.

Really, it was no surprise at all that Hinata stood no chance and the newly dubbed 'Asura-sama' went on with his monologue (that seemed to involve lots of heroic deeds and giant monsters that were actually friendly), blissfully unaware he had just gained a fan for life. When he offered his hand, Hinata took it without hesitation and was lifted in his arms.

"Hmm, let's see, would you like to… to… ah! Paint!" Asura-sama exclaimed happily and grabbed a can of black paint from the nearby stockpile of supplies. He grinned at her again, but now there was a mischievous edge to it.

"Come on, Hinata-chan, let's paint the wall. It's so boring and white!"

Asura-sama really was dreadfully handsome when his eyes squinted with his smile, Hinata thought. He looked like a kitsune, or a tanuki, a spirit who liked to trick people. But she didn't think he was a bad person. He had _saved_ her.

"Isn't vandalism bad?" Hinata asked. She wasn't about to speak against Asura-sama, but she was also fairly sure her father wouldn't approve. Asura-sama waved his hand.

"_Psh_. We'll blame it all on _that_ guy," he said and pointed at the hapless would-be kidnapper. "Serves him right anyway." And yes, this was definitely an evil gaze, Hinata concluded. Asura-sama was showing a whole lot of teeth.

A slow smile spread on her face.

* * *

Hiashi had been quite sure of what sort of things to expect from the scene, and therefore seeing his only daughter in the arms of a red-haired man and _vandalising_ one of the compound walls dealt a critical hit to his idea of how the world worked.

Being as he was a shinobi himself, he still managed to recover quickly and took in the rest of the scene. There lay, unconscious on the ground, the head ninja of Kumo. Hiashi felt a tremor of anger. Kumo really hadn't changed at all, it seemed, although there was something extra despicable and Iwa-like in attempting to kidnap a young child during a _peace conference_.

Attempted only, because he had apparently been intercepted by this unknown person who was now holding Hinata hostage. And painting his walls. (He couldn't quite seem to let go of that, but it wasn't like he found artistically inclined intruders in his back yard every day.)

Hiashi would have gritted his teeth in anger and fear, had he been someone else, but as it was he managed to keep his emotionless mask and signed for his men to approach cautiously and make no sudden movements. There was no telling what this unknown man wanted. Hostage situations rarely ended well and he could only pray he would manage to protect his daughter from any harm.

Speaking of her, she twisted in the man's arms to look behind and… smiled? Hiashi blinked. That wasn't what he'd expected either.

"Father! Asura-sama, father came to get me!"

The five adult Hyuuga felt distinctly out of their depth as the so-called Asura turned around and his face lit up like a bonfire.

"Well, about time! Me and Hinata-chan were running out of room. I - I mean…" he stammered and coughed nervously. "We didn't paint any walls. At all. It was that guy," he continued and pointed the wet and dripping paint brush at the unconscious Kumo nin. At the flat stare of his audience, he noticed the incriminating evidence he was still holding and grinned sheepishly.

Then went to place the paintbrush in the man's hand, not even trying to be inconspicuous.

"See, there's your proof! This had nothing to do with me. And anyway, probably best you go with your dad now, Hinata-chan. He looks kinda worried."

"Okay," Hinata all but chirped. What Hiashi thought he knew of the world took yet another hit as she was put down gently. His daughter toddled to him, looking more happy and confident than he had ever seen her. Numbly, he could only take her and lift her up. Asura grinned, apparently perfectly pleased with the outcome.

"Well then, see you guys at some point! Hinata-chan, remember what I told you?"

"Grow up to be a strong kunoichi so I can defend my family and Konoha and rescue myself on my own if I ever get caught again," she chanted, eyes blazing.

"That's the spirit!" Asura said, grinned disarmingly, saluted and jumped over the wall. His long hair trailed behind him, like a red stream. Hiashi made no move to pursue or stop him; his sense of reality was still recovering. He looked down at his daughter.

Hinata was happily humming against his chest, perfectly healthy and looking no worse for the wear for what had happened. The defiled wall, he noticed belatedly, seemed to be insulting Konoha's odour and praising the might of the noble Kumogakure.

"...Well, that certainly happened," said one of his men.

Silently, Hiashi had to agree with the sentiment.

* * *

_Hokage tower, Konoha, very early in the morning_

* * *

The third Hokage rubbed at his temples. The night had been long and confusing. The situation was thankfully firmly in control, but this only meant that they had been forced to skip straight to the boring and stressful damage control part. The coffee stash in the tower cafeteria had been all but depleted by now and everyone was showing signs of weariness.

Around the table were seated, amongst others, Hyuuga Hiashi, Nara Shikaku, Uchiha Fugaku and Morino Ibiki, in various states of fatigue (Shikaku appeared to be sleeping eyes open). They had long since hashed the available information to ribbons and were now waiting for Inoichi. The third Hokage grimaced at the political nightmare this was going to be. By asking Inoichi to do the interrogation, at least the Raikage wouldn't be able to accuse them of torturing his ambassador.

And then there was that confusing character who had acted in a decisively contradictory manner. The man had infiltrated the Hyuuga compound in the middle of the night, only to blow his cover to save the heiress and _prank_ the clan. None of the pieces fit together to paint even a slightly coherent picture. With the Kumo situation not falling apart like it could have been, this puzzle chafed at the third's mind.

The door slid open and Inoichi stepped in. There was a mildly confused expression on his face. "He was definitely acting on orders," Inoichi said. "He was supposed to steal little Hinata and escape with her. In private, he thought his superiors expected him to fail and die at the hands of a Hyuuga so that Kumo could take advantage of our tight situation and demand recompense. But this is only speculation."

Out of the corner of his eye, the Hokage could see Hiashi stiffen in outrage (for all the man normally looked like his spine was a steel rod, the long hours had taken their toll on even his posture).

Shikaku yawned and dropped his elbows on the table. "Looks like we have avoided a troublesome situation, then. Not that _this_ one isn't, mind. What did he remember about that 'Asura'?"

"Not much at all. 'Asura' showed up out of nowhere, only to ask as to what the Kumo nin was doing at the compound since he was not a Hyuuga. Then there was a… well. There was a yellow flash. There really aren't any other words." Inoichi looked slightly embarrassed.

Uncomfortable looks were shared by all.

Shikaku yawned again, drawing tears in the corners of his eyes. "Well, that's that. If there are no leads, it would be best to leave that man to later consideration and deal with Kumo first. I have an idea."

The third raised an eyebrow, feeling hopeful. Shikaku's thoughts were always worth listening to, even if the man usually dealt with combat strategy instead of politics.

Shikaku smirked lazily. "Considering that Kumo has obviously planned this extensively and possibly has more contingency plots ready, we should not play the same game but take a third option. Personally, I would suggest that we take a page out of Asura's book and spread the word that the ambassador of Kumo was caught drunk out of his mind and vandalising Konohan property."

There was a moment of silence, until badly covered snickers could be heard around the room. Even Hiashi was seen suppressing a smirk.

* * *

_The Konoha Military Police headquarters, two hours before sunrise_

* * *

"...The Hokage ordered us to do _what_?"

Uchiha Fugaku scowled, the lines on his face deepening. "You are to examine these handwriting samples, henge into the form of the head ninja of Kumogakure, act as though inebriated and paint several inflammatory messages deriding Konoha and praising Kumo on visible locations around the Hyuuga compound wall and the Hokage tower."

The Uchiha tradition of stoicism didn't seem to matter to his subordinates at the moment, considering that they all looked distinctly like they were questioning his sanity.

"…You know, Fugaku-sama, there's just something deeply wrong with having the _police officers _carry out petty vandalism."

Fugaku shrugged, his annoyance flaring up. It had been a long night and he wanted to return to his wife and sons. "Who else could forge the handwriting?"

Crumbling, the hapless officers divided up the papers, unable to refute the logic.

* * *

_Outside the Hyuuga estate, late morning_

* * *

There was a gaggle of children gathered around the wall of the Hyuuga compound, snickering loudly. Naruto wandered there to see what the hubbab was all about, having given the caretakers a slip (which barely required any effort) and ditched his ANBU guard (considerably harder).

The wall was covered in graffiti. Naruto stared at it for almost half a minute, scratching at his head.

..._I thought for sure it was another wall I vandalised._

Kurama cackled in his mind. _That's because you _did_. Someone else seems to have gone painting the town last night._

Naruto frowned, narrowing his eyes. _And it's _better _than my scribbles too! All the trouble I saw to making it and someone's already trying to one-up me!_

Feeling decidedly offended, Naruto left the group of children and meandered away towards his actual destination in the bustling centre of Konoha.

Ichiraku ramen looked like a haven of peace and happiness in the sunlight. Naruto relaxed automatically. He had been at war for what felt like an eternity, had seen blood and entrails and felt people's lives disappear like small candles snuffed out. This place reminded him of the happier days when the fate of the world hadn't yet been on the table.

The happy days he now had in front of him, he firmly reminded himself. Akatsuki wouldn't move in years and Orochimaru was still busy somewhere (no doubt brainwashing people and ruining lives).

_Better transform, brat. They never treated you badly, but you are still three years old, _Kurama reminded him and yawned. Naruto deflated a little at the thought. He'd really wanted to see a friendly face. (Kurama counted, but he was a fox and prickly even on a good day.)

Unfortunately, Naruto could feel the suppressed resentment and fear of everyone around him even now. The pressure was constant, and Naruto was torn between wanting to have _some_ sort of sensing ability because he was so used to being a target, and not having to feel like he was breathing in poison. It was probably for the best that he hadn't been able to use Kurama's power when he had been a real kid.

At least there was one temporary solution. Naruto snuck off to an abandoned building, away from the eyes of the populace. Then, there was a puff of smoke, and 'Asura' wandered the streets of Konoha once more.

* * *

_Main street, Konoha, lunchtime_

* * *

"And how are you going to find that man, brother?" Hizashi asked, elegant eyebrow raised in a mildly mocking manner.

"I do not know, but I must," Hiashi replied firmly. "Like it or not, we owe him a debt. It is unsettling, because he might still be an enemy, but there is also the chance that he is an ally. If I can talk to him, I might find something out."

Hizashi almost rolled his eyes in exasperation. "You can't locate a suspicious character that easily, he's probably not even in the village anymore. He's not just going to stroll across us on the street."

It was that exact moment when Asura strolled across them on the street, then entered Ichiraku ramen with a cheerful air, not paying the slightest attention to the two identical men standing in the middle of the road, stunned as though hit by lightning.

Hiashi recovered first. "...Would you like to take that back, brother?"

Hizashi shook his head slowly, white eyes wide and incredulous. "Unbelievable. What kind of timing was that?"

Hiashi felt a creeping _déjà vu _at his brother's baffled face. A traitorous grin tugged at the corner of his mouth. "Well, in any case, I won't get a better chance," he said and lifted one of the fabric squares to enter the small ramen shop, his brother following behind.

Asura was already eating as if he hadn't seen food in weeks, somehow managing to breathe while all but inhaling the noodles. Hiashi ordered a bowl of miso ramen himself and sat next to the man, wondering how to announce his presence, when Asura took a glance at him and promptly choked on his food. Hiashi hesitated before slamming his palm against the man's back. _So, he allows the contact_, he thought when Asura merely twitched a little.

"A-ah, I, ah, sorry, I was just surprised to see you," Asura said, coughing for one last time and rubbing at the back of his head sheepishly.

Hiashi inclined his head, a sort of well-bred version of a shrug. His order was set on the counter and he reached for the bowl. He wasn't one for ramen normally, but the smell was, admittedly, reasonably appetising. "I had been wondering how I would find you. I believe I owe you for last night."

Asura looked uncomfortable. "Well, not really, I mean, I just thought he was suspicious, I didn't know what he was actually doing. Although, I guess I'm suspicious too."

Hiashi nodded, ghostly white eyes narrowing. He couldn't drag this out. His options were limited in such a public place and a Hyuuga eating at a ramen stand would attract attention soon. "Indeed. Still, we examined my daughter's memories and you did not only refrain from trying to influence her in a negative manner, but also somehow talked her into putting more effort into her training. I have to say that I am pleased with her new drive. What was your reason for telling her that?"

Asura shrugged and took up his chopsticks again. "There are people here that I care about, so even if I'm not really a citizen, I won't do anything to harm the village. And besides, it's my natural talent, giving pep-talks. She's just a bit shy and insecure, that's _nothing_. There was that time ages ago when I beat up this messed up kid who had this weird obsession with blood and then he turned a new leaf and became the leader of his village."

"...I see," Hiashi said, sounding like he didn't see at all but didn't really want to ask for details. Behind his brother, Hizashi leaned across the table to stare at Asura and then Hiashi, his face an almost comical mask of incredulity (to anyone who knew how to read a Hyuuga, anyway).

Asura grinned and pushed his empty ramen bowl away. "Well, I gotta go. And I really don't need you to do any favours for me. Just pay for my ramen, if you want to thank me."

Hiashi nodded. "Very well then. But I _insist_. As long as it will not harm my clan or the village, I _will_ owe you a favour."

They ended up making a scene, after all. Asura tried to argue stubbornly, insisting that he hadn't really done much at all and that he _was_ a suspicious character anyway, but Hiashi stood firm and eventually the red haired man gave up with a huff and stalked off, disappearing around the corner. ("Fine, whatever! You can't _make_ me call on it.")

Hizashi stared at his brother the entire way back to the compound. "You know," he said the instant they entered the sanctuary of Hiashi's office. "He might turn out to be an enemy. It may not have been wise to promise him anything. And you didn't even try to apprehend him."

Hiashi sat down on the cushion in front of the low table and began writing a report to the Hokage.

"Attempt to arrest a man who may have somehow recreated the Hiraishin? I think not, not in a civilian establishment. Furthermore, as of now he has acted in Konoha's interest. Asura is a confusing character; either a master infiltrator with exceedingly odd methods or an unusual sort of ally. For now, it is much more beneficial to remain cordial and observe. With that discussion, I have forged a tentative bond and now have a social incentive to seek his company."

* * *

_Raikage's office, two days later_

* * *

"...Care to run that by me again?"

The unfortunate chuunin messenger shuffled nervously.

"Konoha sent us a missive, saying that they do not approve of drunken vandalism from foreign ambassadors, but were feeling gracious so the peace treaty was signed off without a hitch. They're also charging us for the D-ranks to clean off the walls. The Hokage sent us a bill."

Slowly, the third Raikage lifted his hand to rub at the bridge of his nose.

"How is it even _possible_ to mess up the mission that badly?"

Maybe it was time to think about retirement. He was getting too old for this.

* * *

Author's notes: The Kumo ambassador wasn't aware that the Yamanaka are able to read the memories of dead people as well. To him, if he was dead = no evidence. Though, as canon showed, Kumo still had the upper hand anyway, so I suppose there wasn't enough to be gathered from his memories or Konoha couldn't let it leak that the Yamanaka could do the thing. It was a highly political affair after all.

The reason Hiashi didn't treat Asura like an outright threat was twofold. He didn't do a single thing that seemed threatening beyond the suspicious sneaking, and Hiashi weighed his chances for successfully incapacitating him pretty low, what with only his brother for support and plenty of people around. So, he thought that, for now, it was best to play the 'game' and treat Asura cordially (within reasonable caution). He did agree to a favour, but with pretty heavy stipulations, and the whole thing was also mostly another attempt to form a tie to him since Asura had proved himself pretty elusive.

I've started the next chapter on this one, too, but it's still in progress. I'm so weak, honestly. But this story isn't nearly as serious as Clan of Samsara, which should tell everyone what kind of writer I am. However, in the next chapter you'll see how Konoha goes from this cautious approach to 'catch that asshole'.


	3. Idle hands

**Idle hands **

* * *

_A hidden spot alongside the Naka river, Konoha, midmorning_

* * *

"Being three years old sucks," Naruto complained, throwing a rock across the surface of a little stream branching off the Naka proper. It bounced off the surface five times, neatly crossing the water and landing on the sand in the other side.

The place was fairly private in the shelter of tall hay and other vegetation, and Naruto felt safe enough to speak aloud. After weeks of practise, he'd finally re-mastered his shadow clones and had left one behind at the orphanage, so even ANBU shouldn't have any reason to look for him.

However, there was still the ever present issue of his age and the limitations thereof.

"I can't do anything, I can't go anywhere, and I'm _bored!_"

_Then practise your sealing and let me sleep_, said the irritated voice of Kurama. _Weren't you all strung up about honouring the legacy of your clan?_

Naruto made a petulant noise in the back of his throat. "I would need _you_ for that, and you know it. I've got literally nothing else - no scrolls, no teacher."

In fact, Naruto had been pretty surprised about how knowledgeable and, perhaps more importantly, _intuitive_ Kurama was when it came to seals. Somehow, it was easy to forget his companion was so intelligent. Naruto suspected it had something to do with Kurama's perpetually grouchy nature and reputation of forgoing strategy in favour of literally stomping down his opponents.

They had spent what might have been hours in the real world immersed in trying to hash out what the basic principles of sealing were. It was slow going, because they only had the (admittedly masterful) seal Naruto's father had left on his stomach and a few more or less vague memories to go by.

Another problem was that the seals Naruto did make were still prototypes and would need to be tested out for defects. Learn from your mistakes, and all that. Naruto had made several dozens of storage seals before Kurama had thought to point this out, and now had a whole pile of them in the pocket of his pants.

They almost felt like they were burning a hole in the fabric. He _needed _to know if they worked.

Then, an idea struck him much like an electric shock, making the little hairs in his back stand up in goose bumps. A slow and rather evil grin crossed his face.

Naruto pulled out the slightly worn bunch of seals and dunked them into water. A distinct _whoosh_ informed him that at least the storage part seemed to work.

"Kurama, how about we show them why I am the prank master around here?"

* * *

_Next door to the Academy, rooftop, early morning_

* * *

It really shouldn't have been that easy to sneak into the academy, Naruto thought as he stood on the side of a road, waiting for the start of the school day and the first rush of children. Of course, nothing of exceptional value was stored there, but he had managed to _rig the whole place with seals_.

Someone else might have used explosive ones. He was doing everyone a favour here, pointing out this security problem.

_I'm sure everyone will be so grateful they will give you a reward_, said Kurama, voice dry enough to be used as kindling.

Before Naruto could reply, several windows of the academy broke as a flood of water rushed through.

He grinned. Showtime.

* * *

Half an hour later, he found himself hiding in a little weapons shop. The old man behind the counter hadn't seemed to notice him enter, or anything else for that matter, and Naruto thought he sort of looked like he could use a dusting. It was the perfect place to weather the commotion.

_Sheesh, the ANBU really are persistent. _

He had had to send several shadow clones to lay false trails to be able to slip off. Everyone sure liked to overreact. No one had gotten hurt, or anything.

_It's because you're pretending to be an adult, and someone not of this village, _said the exasperated voice of Kurama. _What did you _think _would happen? A scolding and a week of detention? _

Naruto ignored him, and glanced around. The shop itself wasn't very memorable, offering the usual selection of basic tools like kunai, shuriken and ninja wire. He could also see cases of supplements, like those pills meant for replenishing chakra or blood that he'd never bothered to buy. There were thin, gleaming senbon, things that looked like small sickles, and swords of different lengths and types. Several staffs were sticking up from a pot in the corner.

One of them caught his eye. It was a slightly battered thing, made of once-bright brass. There were six metal rings on the end, and a little tag that proclaimed it to be 'on sale'.

It looked familiar, as a concept, as an idea.

Naruto picked it up, and felt the weight in his arms. The sage had had one of these, from what he remembered of the odd netherworld.

It was a reminder, the shape of it. There was something he_ had_ to accomplish. He should try and make proper use of the time he'd been given. It would be all too easy to slip into pranking and forget to do other things on the side, when he had so much time to do it.

"Hey, old man, how much for this?"

* * *

_You sure this is a good idea? _

Kurama's voice sounded like he was rather doubtful of Naruto's ability to judge such things.

"Hey, the last one was a great success."

_If by success you mean 'village-wide witch hunt', then yes. Success. _

"Oi. The seals worked!" Naruto defended. He'd been quite proud, really, of the chaos and flooding and general disarray. A masterful prank, if he ever saw one.

Half _of those things worked like supposed. The rest kept fizzing out rainstorms and who knows what every few hours. And those were the least iffy examples. _

"Yeah, it was _awesome_. Hehe."

_Storage seals are supposed to be _reliable. _As in, release what they contain nicely and without problems. And not with the kind of force that can put a hole in a wall. You were lucky it was a teacher who got the brunt of that. _

"Oh, psh. I know where I went wrong. I won't fail again. This barrier seal is going to be awesome."

Kurama didn't answer, but there was a definite sense of 'I'll believe it when I see it'. Kind of like a telepathic version of a raised eyebrow. And Kurama's eyebrow was not something to be ignored.

Naruto ignored it.

If this barrier seal worked, he'd be able to leave his clones to gather natural energy anywhere. A big tactical advantage.

(And, somewhere in the back of his mind was the thought that _this time _Neji wouldn't have to...)

Locking away that dark memory, Naruto slammed his palm on the ground. Webbed ink spread, pulsed, and disappeared. Naruto grinned. Few more of these, and Konoha proper would be a maze. With extra invisible walls.

However, as it turned out, these seals were just as defective as the storage seals. In their own way. The issue had to do with the energy output, which wasn't as stable or evenly spread as necessary.

Basically, sometimes the barrier worked and sometimes it didn't. While it was up, and _technically_ functional.

The first victim was a plump cheerful housewife, who walked up against an invisible force field and dropped her shopping bags. There was a minor commotion as people stopped to help her out and scratch their heads as to what had happened.

There was no sign of the obstacle, until three small children bounced off of it, twenty feet from the initial site, and landed on their bottoms. Their parents made a fuss while the children tried to get away from them to explore the phenomenon.

On the other side of the village, a shinobi in the middle of a leap yelped, bounced off the air and fell. As a ninja, he managed to land on his feet, but it didn't help him much. His colleague and friend had already jogged back to laugh at him, having passed by the same spot without a single issue. It was very gratifying for the first ninja when his friend smashed face first into another invisible wall. Or, more precisely, the same wall that now happened to work in the spot he tried to pass.

Things didn't get any better from there. For the entire afternoon, people kept walking into walls that were sometimes there and sometimes weren't. Most were of the opinion that if there had to be bloody walls, they should stay where they were and not flicker in and out of existence so everyone forgot where they were.

Insult to injury, some of the walls were more fickle than others. This was shown when the Hokage, having come to inspect the situation in person, managed to run face first into a particular force-field that had not stopped anyone else along its supposed surface area during the entire day.

'Asura' was too busy laughing to be disappointed, as he watched the events from the top of one of the tall wooden posts that supported electric wires.

Especially because it took Konoha days to remove all of them. It was much like a constant mime show, if involving more cursing than usually.

* * *

A couple of weeks later, the entire Hokage tower found that the gravity inside the building was a little more lax than usual. This was evident from the way coffee floated upwards when poured and people could hop up from their chairs to visit the toilet and find themselves on the ceiling. Casualties also included weeks of work when carefully sorted paperwork scattered around at the slightest nudge.

The reason for this turned out to be a whole batch of what looked like gravity manipulation seals in the walls of the round building. It took five hours to scrub them off.

As far as Asura was concerned, this too was a great success. Kurama disagreed, and there were arguments.

(To everyone who was witness to his rants, Asura's apparent tendency to talk to himself wasn't the _weirdest_ thing ninja had seen, per se. But it _was _somewhat more worrying than the usual catalogue of personal quirks and knots the mind could twist into in their profession.)

Despite the aggravation and tension, Konoha eventually grew used to having a permanent menace in their midst, in the same manner people under siege can have dinner while bullets fly over their heads.

And so, with the occasional explosion of glitter or confetti, time passed.

* * *

_An abandoned shack, somewhere in the outskirts of Konoha, early evening (several months after the Hyuuga incident)_

* * *

Naruto frowned. Around him on the wooden floor were papers filled with scribbles. Some seemed charred; some others floated two inches from the floor. In front of him were his attempts at crafting a seal that would let his shadow clones take a few more hits. He'd need them if he wanted to get out of the village before he hit double digits in years again.

"Well, this sucks."

It did. Thing was, in a certain manner, the seal did work. It was 'permanent', at least.

However, that only applied to the seal itself. The squiggles and kanji it consisted of did not actually do _anything _for the substance they were applied on. They were just impossible to erase.

Permanent graffiti, if you would.

Naruto was, for the lack of a better word, sulking. He could deal with failures and disappointments, but there were limits.

_None_ of his seals seemed to do what he wanted. That is to say, they mostly did something along the lines they were supposed to. But it was just… _shoddy_.

Even the improved barriers still covered only about seventy per cent of the area they were supposed to protect, at any one time. The storage seals tended to launch their contents at high speed when released, and while that might have been good for weapons, Naruto didn't fancy getting bombarded with his own field rations (i.e. instant noodle cups). The gravity seal had been a bit of a curious 'can I do this' sort of experiment anyway, but that too had differing states of effectiveness. Sometimes the field was strong enough to lift a human, sometimes it just gave everyone a weird hairstyle of the literal 'defying gravity' variety.

And now this. It was the one he _needed_. He had to start sending clones out of the village to do things like check on Gaara and Orochimaru. Which he couldn't do if his clones poofed out of existence should they manage to poke themselves with a pointy stick.

He sighed, stood up and stretched. Well. At least he'd get a prank out of these, if he managed to inscribe them onto the gunpowder. It was worth a try. Who knew, messages on the night sky could prove useful if they ended up in a war again.

Speaking of pranks, he had to take advantage of his anonymity while he had it. The glint of his staff in a sunny spot reminded him that he had a schedule, even if it was a lax one.

On top of everything else, he wanted to give Kurama some time and interaction with people while Akatsuki wasn't moving and things were relatively peaceful. His friend had to get used to the society at some point.

_I hope you are aware that people are going to come up with their own explanations and conclusions. Which are going to be inconvenient for us_.

By now, Kurama had given up on 'incredulous' and mostly sounded like he no longer had any hope for Naruto's common sense.

"Pff, it's fine. It's not like it'll be connected to '_us_' us. I can just have Asura 'disappear' or something, when I no longer need him. I mean, what could happen?"

* * *

_Main street, Konoha, just before noon (again)_

* * *

Ninja life had been oddly out of tune, lately. Instead of the usual dark shades of grey and the occasional splash of carmine blood, the colour of life in Konoha could be more accurately described as 'rainbow'. With sparkles.

It was the first time in the history of the village when its most wanted criminal hadn't actually spilled one drop of blood. This status was all due to sheer aggravation, and not entirely official so much as the general consensus. Some might have argued that this all increased Konoha's ability to prepare for actual, serious sabotage and remove malicious seals, but those people were not usually responsible for dealing with the situation.

As far as Kakashi was concerned, this slapstick comedy routine interfered with his ability to feel his dead loved ones haunt his every step. One day he might be grateful. Right now he wanted to introduce the asshole's head to a wall. Preferably one made of stone.

This was a good chance too. The target was currently covered in paint, and left bright neon footsteps all over the place. Chances were, it wasn't a clone this time.

However, he had underestimated his opponent.

As soon as he managed to catch up, preparing to make some sort of suitably cool and aloof statement about him being now under arrest, the grin on Asura's face vanished. There was a flash of something sad and painful, but it was gone so quickly Kakashi couldn't be sure it had been really there. Even with Sharingan.

Then, it was gone and Asura fell on his knees. His eyes were wide and, to his dread, seemed to _sparkle_.

"Oh, what beauty! Truly, stars themselves pale in comparison, and the light of moon cannot compete with the shine of your hair! I have never known such a vision could exist in real life!"

Kakashi stared, eyes slowly widening in horror. When Asura leaped, ostensibly to embrace him, he turned tail and ran.

On the other side of the street, a hapless Uchiha constable very nearly broke down to cry. It would be his responsibility to report this to Fugaku-sama.

* * *

_The Konoha central park, several minutes later_

* * *

"Did you see his _face?_"

_I'm glad to see you are acting your age, _said a sour voice. Since the only one who could hear it was the red-headed man who had folded over from laughter, the image presented to the general public might have been rather worrying, if there had been anyone around to see.

"Screw you. Serves him right, for all that crap he used to pull on us. And the excuses! Listening to him, you'd think Konoha's population was all old ladies needing help."

_...You may want to know we have an audience, _Kurama pointed out.

Asura blinked, and lifted his head. His back was still hunched, which meant that he was now face-to-face with the young child who was staring at him. The child had dark hair and dark eyes, and might have been entirely unremarkable, if Asura had not known him.

Uchiha Itachi blinked. There was a certain hint of a look in his eyes which suggested he thought Asura was a madman. More precisely, the kind that collects bottle caps and cats and is entirely harmless.

Asura felt his soul fold a little. To him, Itachi had long been the harbinger of doom - before he had turned out to be an uncanny sort of an ally, the type who holds half of the cards in their sleeves and expects you to up the ante anyway.

It was difficult to accept the existence of Itachi the child.

"Are you all right?" Itachi asked. The voice, too, was childish. "Mother says that if you're feeling unwell, you need a med-nin. I don't know if there are any for your head, though."

Asura deflated a little. "Oi. Rude, brat. I don't look that weird, do I?"

"Yes."

"_Oi._"

* * *

Uchiha Itachi was no fool. He had sensed the change, and come to conclusions long before his mother sat him down and explained why he would be in charge of more household chores for a while. Namely, taking care of Sasuke.

The entire clan had been run off their feet for months now. There was a certain nervous tension to the way everyone moved, and his father was hardly ever home these days.

Still, he couldn't quite decide if he wanted the intruder caught or not. There had been another tension there, before. A high-strung one, which reminded him of earthquakes that build up for years and years before they destroy your life in few short moments.

He couldn't be sure what would be the result of it, but he had thought of war and blood, and worried. Surely, it couldn't be that bad, and yet -

He watched the red-haired man, who was about the least threatening adult ninja he had come across. Powerful, yes, but not dangerous. Sometimes there was a difference.

There was no mistaking his identity. Wanted posters were everywhere, with a rather poor rendition of the man's face and a message that said 'Have you seen this man?'

The real version looked, well, harmless.

There was something odd about the way he looked at Itachi, though. Mostly sad, but also a hint of steel and what had to be a variation of that 'Will of Fire' they had taught about in the academy.

It couldn't hurt to ask. He wanted to know.

"What are you trying to accomplish? Why cause disturbance?"

The man blinked, then frowned and cocked his head far enough that red strands of hair fell over his eyes. Despite the comical effect, he seemed to regard the question entirely seriously.

"At first I was just passing time, but then I saw an old lady thank your dad this other day. I want everyone to get along. If I'm the enemy, maybe that can happen. It'd be good, right?"

Itachi nodded slowly, feeling a little like there was something here he was missing, some history he didn't know of. The man smiled. It was a sad look.

"Go on, then. Your family is waiting."

Itachi turned, then stopped and considered. He turned back.

"I'm Itachi," he offered, on a whim. He was rewarded with a smile, which, in Itachi's opinion, looked like it deserved metaphors that had to do with illumination and fire. And superlatives.

"Pleased to meet you. I'm Asura."

* * *

_Ichiraku ramen, lunchtime_

* * *

Once more, Hyuuga Hiashi found himself sitting at a ramen stand. He made a face at the greasy concoction. It wasn't as though it was _bad_, per se, even if he would never admit such a thing out loud. He was just... used to finer cuisine. The kind that was nutritionally balanced. This could not be good for his sodium levels.

His companion and reason for being there in the first place kept bursting into fits of laughter. Hiashi had had to pound him in the back several times because he kept doing that while he was swallowing. Hiashi had a certain measure of Asura's survival instinct, now, and wondered how the man had managed to live to this day.

"May I ask what is so amusing?" he asked, wiping the corner of his mouth with a rather poor quality paper napkin.

"It's just… hehehe, I totally got back at this one guy who used to pull all this stupid crap on me ages ago. I'll stop laughing soon, I swear. I just keep remembering his face."

"Is that the reason you have seen it fit to menace this village, then?" Hiashi asked, carefully filing away what Asura had slipped. So, he had some sort of history with Konoha, after all. Interesting.

"I hope you realise I cannot overlook your behaviour forever."

"Don't worry, I'll quit. Soon. I've just been kinda bored," Asura said, drinking the last drops of the ramen stock from the bowl. A thin line of liquid trailed down his jaw.

"But now I finally finished that one thing, so I can leave Konoha. There's a person I gotta track down."

"…An enemy," Hiashi ventured. It wasn't a question. Asura's face told him enough, the angry glint in his eyes, the steely resolve.

"Yeah. So you won't be seeing me for a bit. I'll be back sooner or later, though."

Hiashi pushed his empty bowl away. Asura tended to clam up when prodded, he had to be careful.

"Why? Why return?"

"I... I can't tell you," Asura said. There was something bitter and regretful about the words.

"Secrets are the way of ninja," Hiashi said gently. There were moments like this, when Asura seemed very young and very lonely. He found himself doubting this person was an enemy, and the idea seemed less and less foolish every time they spoke. He also thought he understood his daughter's fervent admiration a little better.

"But to say nothing can be as bad as telling everything."

He waited, and was rewarded.

Asura seemed to debate something internally, frowning uncertainly and shifting on his seat. Then, there was a change. A decision was made, and Hiashi didn't need Byakugan to see how determination wrote itself on the lines of Asura's face.

"Okay. Okay, I guess you should know. I... There's this one guy, used to be a ninja of Konoha. Has this ugly orange mask. Might call himself Tobi. People think he's dead. That's why he gets away with it."

Hiashi nodded, slowly. "He is the one you are chasing, then?"

"Mm, not yet. He's kinda hard to catch. I have other enemies, too."

* * *

_Tanzaku gai, Land of Fire, early evening_

* * *

There was a commotion in the largest casino of the town.

A man with long black hair and rather frightening yellow eyes with slitted pupils had arrived, and promptly made every single slot machine spew out coins like grain. No one had quite seen _what_ exactly he did to accomplish such a thing, but then, no one cared. It was free money.

Several burly and scarred men, who seemed to lack a few fingers here and there, approached the culprit and suggested that the esteemed customer would kindly step outside. They were polite in a manner that very clearly suggested extreme pain in near future.

Everyone in the vicinity promptly scooted away from the pale man, even as they were in the middle of a struggle with the casino staff who tried to keep everyone away from the coins.

Unfortunately for everyone, the staff of the establishment was entirely unaware of Orochimaru and his questionable achievements in life. _Fortunately_, the man in question only appeared to be Orochimaru.

The impostor grinned, and proceeded to escape through the roof. Literally.

The tasteful and hand-crafted red-golden koi effigy on the rooftop of the building blew up, raining shiny wooden scales across the block.

The Orochimaru doppelgänger laughed, and made to dance before appearing to think better of it. But he _did_ yell.

"I, the great Orochimaru, have taken over this casino! Everyone, please help yourselves! Get back at these greedy men by taking what is rightfully yours!"

The locals cheered, and proceeded to sack the building. Somewhere along the line, it set on fire and burned down.

The local yakuza were not happy. Neither were the police, for that matter.

* * *

_The capital, Land of Fire, noon_

* * *

On that day, a most unusual bank robbery took place. The assailant seemed to be a pale man with long black hair. He also wore a laughable fake moustache and very dark sunglasses.

Most people found that his disguise was made even more useless by the fact that he made sure to introduce himself several times. Very loudly.

Mysteriously, the local charities received several anonymous donations a few days after the commotion had died down.

* * *

_A certain coastal town, Land of Fire, just before teatime_

* * *

There was a certain oddness to this particular crime, was the consensus of the local police. Overnight, every single public toilet in the town had been defiled. The graffiti had been signed too. This person, 'Orochimaru', had even marched in to confess and after the paperwork had been completed, promptly escaped.

It didn't seem to make any sense.

* * *

_Otafuku gai, Land of Fire, after sunrise_

* * *

The fourth Orochimaru stayed in jail a little longer than the other ones, for whatever reason. Perhaps it was the hangover. He had demolished an entire bar in drunken rage, having screamed how he, the great Orochimaru, should have been the Hokage instead of that little piece of -

(The shadow clone was, frankly, rather worried it had been able to drink himself (itself?) to stupor. Thankfully he had been able to stick to the script. Boss would be angry enough as it was.)

* * *

_A town near the Land of Sound, Land of Fire, afternoon_

* * *

The last Orochimaru impostor had been especially clever, in his own opinion. He had let himself get caught trying to sell booze to a minor, exclaiming that he, Orochimaru, only wished to kidnap inebriated minors for his experiments and not because he wanted their bodies. Although, admittedly, there were also kids whose bodies he did intend to take, but not like _that_. It didn't _matter_ if it sounded perverted, it was about immortality, not sex.

The locals were not convinced.

* * *

_An abandoned shack, somewhere in the outskirts of Konoha, around ten o'clock in the morning_

* * *

Naruto staggered a little, then sat down to process what he, technically, had done. Even though the clones had dispelled at different times, the memories returned as one big jumble. He'd have to revise the seal again, but that was a worry set for later.

"What. What was... Where on earth... How did my clones even _come up_ with that stuff? I gave them instructions!"

_I wonder, yes. _Your _clones, disobeying orders? Unthinkable. _

Naruto groaned, trying to ignore his prickly friend.

He had, admittedly, wanted to give Orochimaru something to keep him occupied, but this all had a definite flavour of something that would come to bite him later on.

Bloody shadow clones, what were they even doing, coming up with weird stuff on the spot? What was the use of having more copies of himself, if they were just going to improvise everything and not follow his directions?

Somewhere inside the sewer of his mind, Kurama's laughter sent ripples across the water.

* * *

Author's notes:

Oookay, this chapter turned a little weird. I guess I just can't write longer passages of time that well. But you guys have waited long enough, and I don't think it's going to get any better even if I edit this for another month. I've found that I just can't force this particular story. _At all_.

I was wondering, how many of you would be interested in excerpts for my stories? I might consider making a new tumblr for those, since my main account is sort of 'reblog whatever' type of thing. I wouldn't recommend following that one.

The story is going to stay strictly gen. No romance whatsoever. Naruto was just trying to freak Kakashi out.

Naruto's attempt at having shadow clones do his long-distance business turned out a bit complicated. Sometimes, it _doesn't_ pay off to be the most unpredictable ninja in Konoha.


End file.
